Here I am.

8:56 PM

Last autumn I was going through a very confusing point in my life. I wasn't sure of anything, all I knew was that I wanted to move by the new year. Everything seemed a bit off. I was confused about everything. I left my longest job for a seasonal job, got into a relationship I clearly wasn't ready for, lost a few friends, gained a few friends, I was losing myself. The strange thing is, I knew nothing was right, I knew everything just felt completely wrong & things I was doing just weren't okay. But I didn't know how to stop. Everything felt so hard & I had dreams I had no motivation to pursue except wanting* to move. I decided to start planning & save. That never ended up happening. My plans quickly changed when the new year came. I got a new job, got out of that relationship, discovered my passions & dreams, motivation & ambition started kicking in. My mentality changed. Everything changed. Now, here I am, knowing what it is I want to do with my life, where I want to go, things I'd like to accomplish. Focusing on myself. Focusing on my dreams. I am going to make it all happen. It's already starting––it's already going to happen. I will be taking my first trip out of the country then a few months later I will be living in a different country, volunteering. I will be focusing on myself & bettering myself for myself. I believe that is the greatest gift you can give to yourself; bettering yourself. Coming to terms with many things & growing from it. Pushing yourself to get to where you believe you need to be. Here I am. Here I will be.
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In thirteen days i will be taking my first solo trip. i will be hopping on a plane and flying to a different country. i will be in iceland. how crazy it is to think i will be so far away from home, in a entirely different place. in an entirely different country. and all by myself. my sleeping arrangements have changed which is forcing this trip to be solo. i guess it will give me the full "traveling" experience. im no longer frightened. i am ecstatic. beyond belief. in thirteen days i will meet the cold icelandic air and breathe the wonders of the beautiful island. i have many things planned and places id like to go and see. oh i do hope id get to do everything id like. This will be such an amazing experience for me. i just know it. taking this time for myself, away from all the stress, away from all the negativity, away from all the drama.. this will be good for me. a breath of fresh air, literally. while i am away, i plan to talk have no conversation with anyone here. i want to leave everything completely and come back with stories to tell. i will feed my instagram and share my views with snapchat. i will write. i will write. i will write. which is my absolute favorite thing to do when i travel. i will laugh with new people, share a drink or two with new people, smile with new people, maybe even cry with new people. i will do all i can to keep myself happy during this trip. i have read icelanders are the nicest people you will come across; so, i do hope that is bona fide. i hope being away and disconnecting myself from everyone here will let my true self unravel and feel free. free to be who ever id like. free to be whoever i am.
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I am so unbelievably overjoyed i have overcome my confusing time last year. it wasnt the best and i was hurting someone who loved me. i was trying to figure out where i was going to live, what i wanted to do, where i wanted to be. i didnt know anything. i was so distraught because i couldnt fathom why everything felt wrong. i tried so hard to make things work or go the way i thought they should but i just couldnt bring myself to do so. i was just in a strange place. i just was so confused about life and all that was going on with myself. i really was set on moving. i planned to move to the PNW. by myself and my dog. just us two. to get away. to start my life. but as the months passed, i realized i wasnt ready. i wasnt ready because i so desperately wanted to travel. travel. travel has been on my mind for years. i started traveling frequently to colorado. that was fantastic. i loved everything about it. but i wanted to do more. i wanted to get out of the states and see how other countries are. the culture, the people, the food, the activities, the nature, the way people move, the things people do, how people talk. i needed more. so now, here i am. 13 days away from traveling to a whole different country. i am ready to start following and accomplishing my dreams.

Take a listen.

Yesterday

6:52 PM


Yesterday, Tuesday, April 26, 2016, was the last day I was going to be able to walk through the turnstiles into Disneyland whenever I pleased.
Yesterday, was such a saddening day. For my heart and soul.
Yesterday, was the last time I'd get to spend my minutes––at a place I felt at home. A place that was actually like home.
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It was about 7pm when I decided I needed to go to Disneyland. One last time. I had worked all day so I didnt have much time. Alone I went, parked in Downtown Disney. It was 7:21pm when I realized I've wanted to take photos of the flowers the cast members (or gardeners?) have planted for the spring time. The sun was making its way down so I knew I had to hurry. I needed to get those photos before it got dark. I walked fast. I went through the Grand Hotel to get to California Adventures instead of going through the front. I had no time to take anything in (as for it being the last time I'd freely be able to step foot in California Adventures again). As I was getting closer to the view of the mickey ferris wheel, I noticed it was sectioned off by ropes for world of color. I was starting to feel panic. I wanted needed to get those photos. The sky was a beautiful blue and orange. I walked up to the cast member and explained to him what I wanted to do after him informing me I wasnt able to go down to the area I was wishing for because I did not have a fast pass. After explaining what I wanted to do, he was so kind enough to let me through. He took me down to the flowers, the beautiful pink carolina roses (1). "Here! This is perfect. I dont need to go further", I said. We stopped and I leaned in to capture photos of the pink roses with the ferris wheel in the back, with the sun setting. I took maybe fifteen photos. Oh so beautiful. So so very beautiful. I turned back to him and thanked him from the bottom of my heart. After that, I needed to get to Disneyland. There were flowers there I've seen that I desperately needed to take photos of. As I was walking towards the exit of DCA, near the Wine Country Trattoria I spotted yellow carolina roses (2) and I just had to stop and snap some quick photos. Those too where quite beautiful. I quickly made my way out of California Adventure's, walked through the middle to get to the entrance of Disneyland. Thats's when it hit me. That was going to be the last time I get to walk into Disneyland whenever I wished. I made my way towards matterhorn where I remembered seeing foxgloves (3), the sun was already almost gone and my heart was starting to sink. Walked around and took photos of flowers throughout the park. As it became nightfall, I just walked. Walked through every little part of Disneyland. Listening to teenagers laugh and children cry and parents talking. They all didnt know I was there. They all didnt know what I was doing. But I knew. // I was walking down mainstreet to get to a shop to buy one last thing from Disneyland. After making my purchase, I started walking towards the exit. Walking underneath that bridge and the emotions started to kick in. My eyes were filling up with tears as I was coming closer to the turnstiles to exit. I tried holding back my tears from falling and somehow I was able to manage that. Some might think i'm dramatic, but no one understands my love for Disney and Disneyland. Owning a pass for three years has been such a wonderful privilege. I'm hoping someday to own one once more.
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"To all that come to this happy place: welcome. Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past, and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals, the dreams, and the hard facts that have created America... with hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world." -Walt Disney


(1)

(2)

(3)

(others)

Them two.

11:39 PM

The two who were possibly meant to be?

The two that were new to each other. The two that were clueless in their own ways about each other. The two that loved deeply and at the same time, wasn't even sure...

Her, oh her love for him. The greatest among all forms of love. She loves whole heartedly, for never loving one in that sort of way. She gives herself, not physically but emotionally & mentally. She's taken away by his charming good looks, his words, his interests. She loves him. She's in love with him. She's only ever been in love with just him. Her love for him could never dissolve, could never disappear. You can tell she's so deeply and truly in love with him just by the way she looks at him. It's quite beautiful. Her smiles, her giggles, her happiness when she's surrounded by all of him, only him. It's something so special. He's what she wants. He's what she dreams of.

Him, oh his interests and curiosities about her. Men are always quite difficult to read. He loves her, deep down in his heart, there is love. He might not be aware or unsure of what kind of love it is; but oh, it is love. I see the way he looks at her when she smiles. He's moved by her. He sees her beauty on the outside and most importantly, on the inside. His feelings for her have not gone away, not after their separation. They're still there. He feels for her. He loves her. She was different. Good for him. Probably the best. She is someone he would never find in anyone else. He knows that. She knows that.

These two haven't seen each other in awhile after their split months ago. But the other night, they saw each other. They laughed, they talked, they enjoyed the whole day together. I overheard them exchanging "I've missed you"'s. My goodness it was so sweet. The way he looks at her, the way she looks at him. Lovely and heartbreaking at the same time. Something so beautiful. That night, as we were driving to our destination, there they were, sitting in the back seat of my car with the middle seat open — holding hands. I turned away and just smiled; oh god did that make my heart fill with pure joy. Peacefully them just sitting back there, hand in hand with one another. Simply just being together.

That is love.

Little thoughts on Love

12:04 AM

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul
& makes us reach for more;
that plants a fire in our hearts
& brings peace to our minds."
-Walt Whitman
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What is true love? I think quite a few people get mixed up with love and lust or infatuation. Ive known some who believe love to be where you spend all your days with the person whom they "love", where you talk to them every second of the day, where you spend loads of money on them, where you pretend to enjoy things they enjoy just so they like you more — the list goes on, I guess. But for me, oh for me; I believe true love is infinite. It comes from the root of your heart and soul. It's letting the other person do what's best for them, it's laying on a roof at 2am counting all the stars in the sky with them because they can't sleep, it's deep conversations about anything and everything, it's making tea for them when they're sick, it's sharing your favorite books, it's telling them to drive safe and "text me when you get home", it's letting them be when you aren't the one they want, it's putting flowers in their hair, it's where you look at them a way you've never looked at anyone else, it's answering the phone at 4:30am when they had a nightmare and need your comfort, it's driving to them to give them a hug to let them know "it's okay, I'm here", it's putting their needs before yours, it's never being selfish. I could go on and on and on about my beliefs on love. This goes for anyone; not just a significant other, a soulmate. Love, oh pure sweet love, in all of its beauty, it is a wonderful thing. To love and to be loved. Deeply and truly. By friends, by family, by strangers, by "the one".

Oh, Daughter.

8:41 PM


A few nights ago I had the pleasure of watching an amazing band play live. Daughter. I felt sick and exhausted from working all day but I stuck through the entire show with my dear friend, Alize. We were so happy and excited to watch them play. Elena, oh sweet Elena.. The vocalist of daughter, she was such a precious being. Her entirety her lovely shy soul, sipping on tea & singing so beautifully. Pure beauty is all she is. Her humbling voice when she talks to the crowd, her shyness & laughter made my heart fill with joy. As they were playing, I noticed an elderly man standing in front to the right of me with his eyes closed, there he was dancing, swaying side to side with droplets of sweat on his forehead and his cheeks; taking in the ethereal music everyone in the room was also listening to. I looked at him for a bit, knowing he's having a wonderful time, dancing, listening.
I took many videos and photos and was praying to God they'd play one of my favorite songs, "Love". but hat did not happen. although, i was okay with it. Every song they played, every break and every movement of them was the epitome of beauty. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It was such an amazing performance. When they were playing "smother", oh boy.. Oh boy did those words "I'm sorry if I smothered you" break my heart. I felt it deep in my chest. Like stones being tossed in a well. It was so beautiful yet heart breaking. I'm so grateful I got to watch them play live.
❦
Here's a "numbers" by Daughter.


Here's "final" by the amazing band that opened for daughter, Wilsen. Pure talent.
❦
Beautiful music, beautiful souls.

Life

11:38 AM

Oh boy life has me feeling an abundance of emotions. For the past year or so, I've been thinking about my future. Everything about my future. From finishing school, to moving out, to traveling, to what kind of home and family I want when it's my time. What to do first? What is better? How do I do it? I have so many ambitions and dreams I am whole heartedly set on that I absolutely intend on accomplishing. But things are starting to go a different direction. The road my goals are on are suddenly starting to turn. How do I stop it? Can I stop it?

I used to think you need to make tons of money to be happy. I used to think having a whole lot meant being happy. I've been realizing that the less you have and the more you do (accomplishing dreams) is the key to a happy life.

"Life is what you make it." I stand by that 100% percent. I've been feeling a sense of failure and self-doubt lately and I haven't had time for myself to sit and think or weave or read or just do something that makes me simply..happy. I've been so caught up in school and work and my life is so much more stressful than it ever has been. But then I think about "life is what you make it". I can't sit around and feel negatively about myself. I need, I must continue to push forward and get through all of my toughest obstacles. I can't give up. I can't just say, "I don't get this", "I don't know what to do", "I can't do this". I need to say "I can"/"I will". & I can. & I will. Life is definitely what you make it. It saddens me when people have such a negative outlook on everything in their life and no matter what, they don't think of anything positive. They dwell in negativity. Why? Oh please, someone tell me why.

Friday Morning

10:52 AM

I woke up promptly at 10:01am. it was a nice atmosphere, a little cold, cold enough to where it felt comfortable. My pup still on my bed, sleeping and lightly snoring away by my feet over the blankets. ah, this is what i enjoy feeling and seeing. my dog still on my bed with me when i wake up. she's too tiny to jump onto my bed when she jumps off. so it's a lovely feeling. i opened my curtains (just above my head) a little so, just to have a peep of light poke through into my room, it was gloomy. my favorite. my mother and her girlfriend went away to vegas yesterday for the weekend and i have to say, i do love these weekends alone to my self. this isn't unusual, they usually leave to vegas multiple times a year. so i get to stay here, loving my dog and taking care of our home. it's a beautiful and calming feeling when i am able to be here alone; no yelling, no arguing, no physical hurt, no mental abuse, nothing negative. just me. just breathing. me. i love this. i find peace in solitude. at night, it does get a little lonely and i do get a tad scared. but only knowing i will be alone at nights for pretty much a long time once i move out on my own.

Last night i baked lavender cupcakes, unfrosted. weird right? not weird to me! i didn't have enough ingredients to make the frosting this time, as i do bake from scratch. oh the cupcakes turned out lovely. lavender is my absolute favorite. i ate 4 last night. shared with my little chunky loving dog, Prada.

Today, i plan on finding the perfect rose pink yarn for a wall hanging i will be weaving for a nice older lady. back in november, i was vending at my local Art Crawl which is like an art walk in my towns downtown. a lady walked to my tent and was interested in my work. sweet older lady, possibly around 50/60's. she was deaf so she was signing to me. luckily, i took 2 ASL classes in my first years of college, although i didn't remember everything, i was able to figure out what she wanted. she had asked me if i could make her a custom one for her living room. "off white, perfect rose pink" is what she wants. i gave her my email so we can keep in contact and i can do that for her. she didn't email once. until a few days ago. and how lovely, her email typings were in pink! asking if i remembered her and of course i did. i can't wait to make this wonderful piece of work of mine to have up in her home. i hope she loves it.

the wool roving i use is from australia. you can find more here.

the sweet lady asked me to do a replica of this hanging (my latest and my favorite)
but with the colors she desires. this will be a fun project.

another i've made (possibly a week or two ago)

Happy Friday!