midnight magic

I cannot wait until I have my own home and I get to decorate it oh so beautifully during the holidays and seasons. I can't wait to start a family and live simply and happily. I can't wait to have my own garden filled with all my dearest flowers and healing herbs. I can't wait to light my favorite pumpkin candles in every room and fill my home's air with the lovely and spicy scent. I can't wait to live in a place where the weather actually changes with the seasons and feels like how it is supposed to be. I can't wait to take walks down and around my neighborhood without feeling unsafe. I can't wait to have friends and family over for gatherings and special dinners. I can't wait to cook, clean, paint, make, decorate, read, love, and enjoy the life God will present me with when this time comes. I'd like to fast forward my life to this period, please. I mean, I can wait. I definitely can wait. But oh am I dreaming..
**the photo is NOT mine. Photo credit goes to sara grace miller

It is the second of October and i am very much excited for this month. but i do feel like this month is going to pass on by very quickly like a lightening bolt striking down on the pavement. i'm not quite sure why i have this feeling but it isn't very comforting. there hasn't been much change in the weather, which i am so desperately longing for. I've been filling my free time weaving these days. All halloween wall decorations. I enjoy making these so much. i feel i'd like to continue with this for a long time. i am hoping i will be able to become a vendor at the local farmers market. fingers crossed! lately, weaving and listening to Ólafur Arnalds has been my favorite thing to do.

My trip to colorado went completely different than what eleanor and i had planned. this being because we were both terribly sick and felt unwell for the first two days i was there. our plans: Boulder falls and Hanging lake. what we did: nothing but a trip to urgent care and stayed in bed. by day 3 we were okay enough to go out and explore.. thank goodness. Hearing the wind whistling through the trees the way they did completely amazed me. It was beautiful.
It was saddening we couldn't do too much because we were under the weather. but this won't be the last time i go to colorado. this won't be the last time i see my best friend. there will be more days. more days to explore. more days to laugh. more days to stay up for all hours of the night with her and talk about everything. more days to wake up early and watch the sunrise. more days to do everything. i feel so blessed to have a friend like ellie in my life. she has a beautiful soul and she's more like a sister to me than anything else. i love her so dearly and I'm so incredibly thankful to know her the way i do.
❦
This night. this night was a nice night. met a sweet girl and spent a few hours with her and eleanor. i can say she is one of the loveliest ladies i have met. i can't wait to see her again and talk some more.
The fly back home. oh, i was not ready. i was not ready to go back "home" to california. but the flight was nice. so many clouds i flew through. looking out the window and seeing the cotton-like clouds was astonishing. i imagined myself flying alone through them and feeling the softness as if they had any texture at all. i imagined a light fresh sent of lavender and cool breeze flying through the white lumps of fluff. oh how lovely that daydream was.
❦
Here's my new obsession.

Days until autumnal equinox: 3

Remedies for the cold or flu (at first signs or beginning)
-raw garlic cloves
  ・take a clove, suck on it/chew it (if your stomach can handle)
  *I chopped the clove into a bunch of small pieces and took them like pills*
-decaf green tea
-zinc
-probiotics
-ibuprofen
-brat diet
   >bananas
   >rice
   >applesauce
   >toast
-emergen-c
-sinus rinse
-echinacea tea
-peppermint tea
-sal de uvas picot (like mexican alka seltzer)
-fresh air
-cool area
-soft music or silence
-favorite teddy bear or pet


Days until autumnal equinox: 12

Thursday morning. Today. I woke up at 6:30am to my alarm. It was 75 degrees outside already. I hurried to get ready. My mother drove me to the airport and we caught traffic the whole way. I was almost late. I was rushing and it felt like it was just me in the airport. My vision went tunnel and i just focused on getting to my gate. I felt sick. the entire time. Ive caught the cold.. or the flu. I kept thinking while waiting in the security line, I should get out and call a cab or a friend to take me home because i do not feel well at all. But i didn’t want to turn down my colorado trip. I need the cleanliness and coolness of the colorado air. Maybe it’ll help me. I’ve been fighting to beat this sickness. I definitely do not want to be stuck sick the whole time I’m there.

I am on the airplane as i type this. Have i ever mentioned i have horrible anxiety and being sick, it just makes the symptoms all worse. I was assigned the window seat and i was so worried. I got to my row and there’s a man sitting in the middle. i ask him if it is okay if we switched and he was surprisingly so willing to. Turns out, he loves the window seat. All the rows are filled with people and luckily the seat next to me was empty. Freeing me from my panics about being in the middle and not able to get out to the lavatory quickly and easily. So my anxiousness about the flight has gone away. Im just left with the sickness symptoms. I am eating pretzels and sipping on smart water and sprite. My eyes feel dry, my lips are dry (i forgot my chapstick in my suitcase-of course-), I’m congested, i feel tired. But then I look out the window and see the small outlines of the grass and dirt areas. of the mountains and towns. and i feel calm. so very calm. listening to Alex Turner and Benjamin Francis Leftwich which is also helping calm me. 1 hour and 30 minutes left of this flight! See you soon, Denver!

I share a quote i dearly love

”Deep within each of us lies a garden. an intensely personal place. Throughout most of our lives, this garden remains hidden from view save for brief glimpeses during moments spent daydreaming or in quiet contemplation…but many of us long to make this imaginative garden real." -Julie Moir Messervy, The Inward Garden

Days until autumnal equinox: 13

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." -St. Agustine Four days. Four days until i am back in Colorado. Four days until i am back with my best friend. This was such a spontaneous trip. We didn't plan months in advance like usual. I planned this last month.. literally. and i am so thankful that roundtrip flights to Denver are so cheap. i feel like it is becoming my second home. and honestly, i planned this trip just to go swimming in ellie's pool..ha. considering i haven't gone swimming since i was 13. i also planned to be surrounded by mountains, trees, rocks, deer, water, earth. and i will certainly do just that. ❦ I've found that my safe place, my peaceful sanctuary, is right in the middle of all of that. in the middle of what the earth created. not man. but earth. up high in the mountains. deep in the forests. letting the trees and plants and soils scent sink into me. that is where i belong. that is where i always knew i belonged. i do not belong in the city. i do not belong in a city with a population of 336 thousand people. i find peace in solitude. I just want to get lost in nature. I need it. I really really need it.

*i play you this song and this one too
Days until autumnal equinox: 17

Oh boy. Twenty years old. Seems like only yesterday i was playing in the mud and splashing my tiny feet in rain puddles. of course that was 15 years ago. maybe a little more. maybe a little less. it's very strange to know i am no longer a teenager. people say twenty isn't such a big deal but i think it kind of is. sure you're not old enough to legally buy alcohol or rent a car but it's the beginning to your adult life. where you know you can't just sit around doing nothing. i have dreams to chase. goals to accomplish. this is the time where i need to be focusing on myself and doing things that will benefit me in the future. because every decision i make is for my future. i plan ahead. i don't just live in the moment. i want to see the world. i want to walk through earths soil with giant trees surrounding me. i want to breathe in pure natures scent. i want to scream at the top of my lungs lyrics of my favorite songs. i want to sit out by a small fire and feel the heat on my face and hands. i want to dance to beautiful, funky, loud, soft, heavy, and ridiculous music. i want to visit every single disney resort. i want to go on long night drives. all this, by myself or with friends. I've finally figured out what it is i want to do in my life and i intend on making it all happen. i am a go-getter.i've finally figured out who i want to keep in my life and the type of people i would like to be around and i intend on keeping it this way. my friends; people who will encourage me, believe in me, laugh with me, people who will bring nothing but positivity. i will not settle for less.

“Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher.” – Oprah Winfrey

*love this song and this song and this song.
*i am utterly in love with these wall hangings.
*one of my favorite movies

Days until autumnal equinox: 20