midnight magic

Again, i almost missed my flight. Again, i was the last passenger. My lungs hurt so much from running to my gate. I got to sit in the aisle seat. There is a young man wearing a pink dog collar with a doggie bone tag around his neck and very squiggly chin hair sitting next to the window and an empty seat beside me in the middle (thank goodness). This isn’t even my seat but luckily, there was a few seats left so I was able to sit here. I kept coughing from my lungs hurting because of running so much. The runway was icy and had large snow clusters which made the airplane slide a bit. We take off into the 25 degree sky. i’m hungry. i’m thirsty. I brought voodoo donuts; one normal glazed and one captain crunch. which i ate the normal glaze while on the plane and drank ginger ale.. yum! I had no water but i had tea bags. All i needed was some hot water but i didn’t end up asking for any. i was fine with ginger ale. I can still taste him on my lips. “i love you” were the three words he whispered to me in my ear as we were hugging and saying our goodbyes. i can still smell the home scent from my best friend. another “i love you” and i, “i love you too”. they waited there in the security line until i got passed it. sweet of them to wait knowingly i was about to miss my flight. There i was, sitting alone. missing two of the most important beings in my life.

I was running late. Of course. Like usual. I got to the airport around 8:30 (aka my boarding time) and stood in a long security line. I rapidly made my way to my gate and by the time i got to the door of the plane, i was out of breath and barely made it. But i made it. Thank goodness. My colorado trips mean so much to me. It’s a getaway. It’s a breath of fresh air. It’s what I need.

Taking off, as I’m sitting here in the aisle seat, i am listening to City and Colour's Bring Me Your Love album. As we’re accelerating into the sky flying above the ocean, the morning sun is shining down onto the water creating a bright reflection through the window just two seats to the left of me. It’s beautiful. It gets brighter and slowly starts to cover the part of the ocean i can see through the small plexiglass. Soon there’s a bright light shining right on me and the two other passengers beside me. The most prettiest light i have seen.

I have no expectations with this trip. Nothing is really planned. I guess we will just do whatever and explore where ever. I guess the temperature is supposed to range from 38-65 degrees while i am in colorado. I am full of bliss. I can’t wait to see my best friend. I can’t wait to see Ozzy. I can’t wait see aspen trees. I can’t wait to be in a place I feel I belong. It’s been 23 minutes since I took off on this plane. 1 hour and 42 minutes left on this plane.

We’ve been soaring through clouds the majority of the time. It’s beautiful to see just white/grey fluff outside the window. Although I am enjoying the view, I am suffering because it is that time of the month.. unfortunately. One of the most annoying things that have to come with being a lady. Major cramps are going to kill me right now. I’ve been on this flight for an hour and twenty minutes. 40 more minutes to go! By the time I post this I will most likely already be in colorado and settled in. See you soon, Denver.

I've been away from writing for awhile. This is because of school, work, and health issues.
I will return later this month. Hope you all have been doing well.


Sharing This album i have been enjoying lately.

It's been awhile since i've last wrote.. I am finding myself feeling extremely desolated. the past month and the next few months have been and will be the most stressful ones. of. my. entire. life. I will be moving out. finally. and on my own. well, with my dog, too. i cannot live without her.
today i cleaned out my room. went through everything. happy memories, sad memories, remembered it all. i threw away a great handful of things from my past. no room for clutter of unhappy memories any longer. it is time for a change. took me about 8 hours to completely finish my room. after cleaning it out, i rearranged it. thank goodness. i needed something different.. at least until i am out of here.
as i am sitting here in bed typing this and sipping on peppermint tea, i get the urge to just.. cry. but thats okay, i will cry and i will fall asleep. i will wake up feeling better and hopefully tomorrow my thoughts won't be so rough. this whole adult thing is becoming a tad too much stressing for me. stressful to where i am not sure if i am able to handle it. but oh god am i trying. i wish it was possible to just poof away for awhile and return with no worries, no stress, no negativity or sadness. everything would just be okay and going steady. but sadly, that is not how life works. taking things day by day is the best and healthiest thing to do in situations like this. in my opinion. relax, breathe. i am moving on with life and it is going to be so unbelievably scary but it needs to be done. there is no, "never mind" or "I'm not ready yet", i have to do this. for myself. i must push myself and start my life. my life is not meant to be lived in california. i know this for sure. i just hope i can pull through and don't let stress bring me down. time is moving fast. and i, i must too.

I cannot wait until I have my own home and I get to decorate it oh so beautifully during the holidays and seasons. I can't wait to start a family and live simply and happily. I can't wait to have my own garden filled with all my dearest flowers and healing herbs. I can't wait to light my favorite pumpkin candles in every room and fill my home's air with the lovely and spicy scent. I can't wait to live in a place where the weather actually changes with the seasons and feels like how it is supposed to be. I can't wait to take walks down and around my neighborhood without feeling unsafe. I can't wait to have friends and family over for gatherings and special dinners. I can't wait to cook, clean, paint, make, decorate, read, love, and enjoy the life God will present me with when this time comes. I'd like to fast forward my life to this period, please. I mean, I can wait. I definitely can wait. But oh am I dreaming..
**the photo is NOT mine. Photo credit goes to sara grace miller

It is the second of October and i am very much excited for this month. but i do feel like this month is going to pass on by very quickly like a lightening bolt striking down on the pavement. i'm not quite sure why i have this feeling but it isn't very comforting. there hasn't been much change in the weather, which i am so desperately longing for. I've been filling my free time weaving these days. All halloween wall decorations. I enjoy making these so much. i feel i'd like to continue with this for a long time. i am hoping i will be able to become a vendor at the local farmers market. fingers crossed! lately, weaving and listening to Ólafur Arnalds has been my favorite thing to do.

My trip to colorado went completely different than what eleanor and i had planned. this being because we were both terribly sick and felt unwell for the first two days i was there. our plans: Boulder falls and Hanging lake. what we did: nothing but a trip to urgent care and stayed in bed. by day 3 we were okay enough to go out and explore.. thank goodness. Hearing the wind whistling through the trees the way they did completely amazed me. It was beautiful.
It was saddening we couldn't do too much because we were under the weather. but this won't be the last time i go to colorado. this won't be the last time i see my best friend. there will be more days. more days to explore. more days to laugh. more days to stay up for all hours of the night with her and talk about everything. more days to wake up early and watch the sunrise. more days to do everything. i feel so blessed to have a friend like ellie in my life. she has a beautiful soul and she's more like a sister to me than anything else. i love her so dearly and I'm so incredibly thankful to know her the way i do.
❦
This night. this night was a nice night. met a sweet girl and spent a few hours with her and eleanor. i can say she is one of the loveliest ladies i have met. i can't wait to see her again and talk some more.
The fly back home. oh, i was not ready. i was not ready to go back "home" to california. but the flight was nice. so many clouds i flew through. looking out the window and seeing the cotton-like clouds was astonishing. i imagined myself flying alone through them and feeling the softness as if they had any texture at all. i imagined a light fresh sent of lavender and cool breeze flying through the white lumps of fluff. oh how lovely that daydream was.
❦
Here's my new obsession.

Days until autumnal equinox: 3

Remedies for the cold or flu (at first signs or beginning)
-raw garlic cloves
  ・take a clove, suck on it/chew it (if your stomach can handle)
  *I chopped the clove into a bunch of small pieces and took them like pills*
-decaf green tea
-zinc
-probiotics
-ibuprofen
-brat diet
   >bananas
   >rice
   >applesauce
   >toast
-emergen-c
-sinus rinse
-echinacea tea
-peppermint tea
-sal de uvas picot (like mexican alka seltzer)
-fresh air
-cool area
-soft music or silence
-favorite teddy bear or pet


Days until autumnal equinox: 12

Thursday morning. Today. I woke up at 6:30am to my alarm. It was 75 degrees outside already. I hurried to get ready. My mother drove me to the airport and we caught traffic the whole way. I was almost late. I was rushing and it felt like it was just me in the airport. My vision went tunnel and i just focused on getting to my gate. I felt sick. the entire time. Ive caught the cold.. or the flu. I kept thinking while waiting in the security line, I should get out and call a cab or a friend to take me home because i do not feel well at all. But i didn’t want to turn down my colorado trip. I need the cleanliness and coolness of the colorado air. Maybe it’ll help me. I’ve been fighting to beat this sickness. I definitely do not want to be stuck sick the whole time I’m there.

I am on the airplane as i type this. Have i ever mentioned i have horrible anxiety and being sick, it just makes the symptoms all worse. I was assigned the window seat and i was so worried. I got to my row and there’s a man sitting in the middle. i ask him if it is okay if we switched and he was surprisingly so willing to. Turns out, he loves the window seat. All the rows are filled with people and luckily the seat next to me was empty. Freeing me from my panics about being in the middle and not able to get out to the lavatory quickly and easily. So my anxiousness about the flight has gone away. Im just left with the sickness symptoms. I am eating pretzels and sipping on smart water and sprite. My eyes feel dry, my lips are dry (i forgot my chapstick in my suitcase-of course-), I’m congested, i feel tired. But then I look out the window and see the small outlines of the grass and dirt areas. of the mountains and towns. and i feel calm. so very calm. listening to Alex Turner and Benjamin Francis Leftwich which is also helping calm me. 1 hour and 30 minutes left of this flight! See you soon, Denver!

I share a quote i dearly love

”Deep within each of us lies a garden. an intensely personal place. Throughout most of our lives, this garden remains hidden from view save for brief glimpeses during moments spent daydreaming or in quiet contemplation…but many of us long to make this imaginative garden real." -Julie Moir Messervy, The Inward Garden

Days until autumnal equinox: 13

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." -St. Agustine Four days. Four days until i am back in Colorado. Four days until i am back with my best friend. This was such a spontaneous trip. We didn't plan months in advance like usual. I planned this last month.. literally. and i am so thankful that roundtrip flights to Denver are so cheap. i feel like it is becoming my second home. and honestly, i planned this trip just to go swimming in ellie's pool..ha. considering i haven't gone swimming since i was 13. i also planned to be surrounded by mountains, trees, rocks, deer, water, earth. and i will certainly do just that. ❦ I've found that my safe place, my peaceful sanctuary, is right in the middle of all of that. in the middle of what the earth created. not man. but earth. up high in the mountains. deep in the forests. letting the trees and plants and soils scent sink into me. that is where i belong. that is where i always knew i belonged. i do not belong in the city. i do not belong in a city with a population of 336 thousand people. i find peace in solitude. I just want to get lost in nature. I need it. I really really need it.

*i play you this song and this one too
Days until autumnal equinox: 17

Oh boy. Twenty years old. Seems like only yesterday i was playing in the mud and splashing my tiny feet in rain puddles. of course that was 15 years ago. maybe a little more. maybe a little less. it's very strange to know i am no longer a teenager. people say twenty isn't such a big deal but i think it kind of is. sure you're not old enough to legally buy alcohol or rent a car but it's the beginning to your adult life. where you know you can't just sit around doing nothing. i have dreams to chase. goals to accomplish. this is the time where i need to be focusing on myself and doing things that will benefit me in the future. because every decision i make is for my future. i plan ahead. i don't just live in the moment. i want to see the world. i want to walk through earths soil with giant trees surrounding me. i want to breathe in pure natures scent. i want to scream at the top of my lungs lyrics of my favorite songs. i want to sit out by a small fire and feel the heat on my face and hands. i want to dance to beautiful, funky, loud, soft, heavy, and ridiculous music. i want to visit every single disney resort. i want to go on long night drives. all this, by myself or with friends. I've finally figured out what it is i want to do in my life and i intend on making it all happen. i am a go-getter.i've finally figured out who i want to keep in my life and the type of people i would like to be around and i intend on keeping it this way. my friends; people who will encourage me, believe in me, laugh with me, people who will bring nothing but positivity. i will not settle for less.

“Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher.” – Oprah Winfrey

*love this song and this song and this song.
*i am utterly in love with these wall hangings.
*one of my favorite movies

Days until autumnal equinox: 20

As I was walking towards my work (9:30am), I was looking down at the pavement because the sun was way too bright and shining down on my face, and suddenly, I hear the voice of a 3 year old (whom I did not know) saying hi. I look up just a little to see this sweet 3 foot small Asian girl with a cream white shirt and soft yellow shorts waving to me and smiling. Along with her dad on the side of her fixing his bike in the rack, locking it up. He smiled at her the way any father smiles at their child for doing a small sweet and innocent gesture. Those 5 seconds. That little moment. Brightened my entire morning.

Days until autumnal equinox: 24

8:00am exactly. Sharing this beautiful song.
Bloom by The Paper Kites In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.

Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
Oh, you fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can't get out.

Can I be close to you?
Ooh-oo-oo-ooh, ooh
Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh.

Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?

When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,
But my world is you.

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh. The temp is roughly about 70 degrees in my home with the 77 degree outside weather breezing in. Here's to another new day. A day where I say, I will have a good day because I want it to be. I choose to stay positive. I feel that everyone should wake up with that mindset. It's healthy and a great way to go about life. Key to living happily even when things aren't going well. Hold the door open for someone. say excuse me and thank you. Compliment someone. Tip a little extra. Be kind. Give a smile. It really can brighten someone's day or maybe just that moment. But you'll feel good doing all those things for others.

Days until autumnal equinox: 25

Lately i've been spending my days staying in doors, cool with the a/c on, and reading a novel. of course before or when i am not working. The book i have been reading recently is one i quite enjoy. I bought it while i was in colorado at a place called $2 Buck Books. Probably my favorite book store there and i am so ready to go back and find other great novels to purchase!

This novel is unlike any one i have read before. This one is empowering, passionate, tender love story about a couple over 60. Delighted to find out what else is in store for the rest of the pages i have yet to read.
This dress i adore so much. And lovely empty floral cards i got from the Celestial Seasonings tea company gift shop in Boulder, CO.
My 8.4 pound yorkshire terrier has unfortunately caught fleas so i gave her a long bath (in which she did not like one bit), suds-ing her in flea shampoo and then aloe and oatmeal shampoo to smell pretty. I love having her clean, flea free, and happy not irritated by bites and bugs crawling. After her bath, i wrapped her in her towel and held her in my arms. her eyes closed, kissing her forehead and petting her. looking at her and hearing her snore and feel her wet hair seeping through her towel onto my nightgown and to my skin, i felt, i knew, i am a mother. I am a mother because i take care of her. I nurture her. I take her to the vet when she needs her shots or when I'm concerned about her. I take her to get groomed and to play at the dog park. I bathe her, play with her, pet her, love her. She is the light of my life. She is the joy i feel when i come home after a shift or a long stressful and tiring day. I am in love with her.

Days until autumnal equinox: 27

//this is one of my favorite movies

I woke up at 10:19am this morning. It was dark in my room and the temperature was cool. After my bathroom morning routine, I walked out to the kitchen. Opened the blinds to get some sunlight in. I've decided today I was going to make something different for breakfast. The usual: waffles and orange juice. Today, I wanted different. And oh goodness, I will never get over how ugly the kitchen countertop is.



A mixed berry parfait (minus granola since I am out) & a bagel.
-honey strawberry Greek yogurt (my favorite)
-organic mixed berries (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries)
-wide tea cup
-blueberry bagels
-blueberry cream cheese

note: i used frozen berries since that is all I had *id suggest fresh organic berries rather than frozen.* 



I'd say this was better than I expected.


 I can't wait for fall. I will be able to drink warm herbal tea in the mornings like I did ever single day when it wasn't summer. I can make a healthy breakfast and enjoy my green tea and boost my immune system back up. I can't wait to see the leaves change color and feel the air become crisp. I can't wait for all the warm pumpkin spice drinks and my favorite chocolate which is only out during the fall and winter time on the Ghirardelli website. I can't wait.

 Days until autumnal equinox: 30


 //I've been listening to this song a lot as well as this one

I woke up this morning by my alarm on my phone. Beeping at 7:50am. I got out of bed, turned on my light, picked up my dog, and walked through the hallway, through the kitchen, to the patio. Set her down and let her do her business. I walked into the living room. The front door cracked just a bit to see the sunlight and let the cool morning breeze in. The weather was beautiful. It hadn't been this beautiful in months. I wish I was able to sit outside and enjoy it but I had to drag myself to my bathroom and start getting ready for work. I left my apartment at 9:15am, same time as always when I work morning shifts. It was a nice slow walk to my car. I took in the air, the chill, the beautifulness of the morning. I absolutely cannot wait for autumn. Although, Southern California weather isn't very great in my opinion, I am still looking forward to it. 

Days until autumnal equinox: 31