comfort in sadness.
some days I’m full of life, energetic, feeling good. But then some days i feel stuck. Lazy. Depressed. Anxious. Unmotivated. I can’t move. I feel heavy. Like if an unseen force is holding me down—weighing on me. Paralyzing me. My mind has so many ideas so many thoughts. imagination. Boy do i have a big imagination. Always day dreaming always picturing what i want my life to be like. But those thoughts are suddenly and abruptly stopped because of the one thing that eats away at my brain. anxiety. It’s hard to want to continue living when i can’t atop thinking about the future and -what if i still feel like this when i ... , what if i have a panic attack during ..., what if i never get better, what if i can’t pay my bills because of this, what if i can’t go out and see friends because of this, what if ..., what if ..., what if....- its been such a huge battle with my mental health. I’m trying every day to get better. Some days i feel like i can’t fight anymore, i don’t want to live like this, but then other times i feel like i can conquer anything and get my life back. It’s exhausting. truly so exhausting. I can only hope and keep working on myself during these really hard and scary time in the world so i will be better when i move back home. God i hope I’m better. I want nothing more than to be and feel better.
sitting outside. 67 degrees. I haven't been out like this in months. I've been fighting a really tough battle mentally lately. it's been hard to leave my room, check the mail, come outside.
but today, here I am. sitting outside. 11am came and I put on shorts, took my shoes off and just came to the little backyard area of my home. it's 4:35pm and I am still outside. bliss.
sitting in the sun
feeling the warmth touch my face
the breeze brush past my skin
I get chills
not because i'm cold
but because this is what my body has needed
what my body has been longing for
fresh air, the sun, the breeze
all of it.
I came outside walked around barefoot on the cement walking paths
stepping my feet onto the stepstones in the pool of rocks
hopping from one stone to another.
barefoot, sun kissing my skin, the air filling my lungs
happiness
I feel childlike
I feel happy
I watered the plants, they were thirsty
played with my dogs, they were excited
I ate lunch outside, painted my nails and toenails outside,
danced around in the sunlight, feeling the breeze,
listening to the palm trees leaves nudge each other in the wind
its like magic
I feel so good today
I actually can't remember the last time i've felt this good, this peaceful.
euphoria
here's something to bring you a little magic today.
today is march 30th 2020. it's been over two weeks since this quarantine thing started. the coronavirus has taken over the world. hundreds of thousands of people are sick. the numbers of cases are growing. people are dying. it's a very scary world. it's a very scary time. schools are closed, workplaces have shut down. no food or toiletry in stores. it's all so surreal. i never thought I would live to go through a pandemic like this.
my anxiety has been really, really bad. for other reasons but the coronavirus is taking a bigger toll on it than i thought it would. i've been scared to go outside. i've been cooped up in my room all day every day working on my art. trying to find new things to help with my mental health. things got bad. but everyday i'm fighting everyday i'm working hard and trying my best.
I want to get better. today the quarantine days have been extended. "30 more" is what they've been saying. it's been extended until April 30th.
this world is madness. the world is chaotic. but it is also still. i've heard the streets of la are empty. there's no more traffic. people are staying inside. people aren't staying inside. the good thing is though, people are recovering. there are more people recovering than people dying. but the fact that people are dying because of this is just horrifying. I can't wait for everything to be back to normal. to move back to southern california. to see my friends. to go to the beach, disneyland, the canyon, my special place. please, oh please, let this be over soon. please.
12:06am. i should be sleeping. i have work in the morning and i try to go to bed at least by 11:30 (even that seems too late). but i miss writing. i miss it so goddamn much. so here i am. sitting in bed. lights out, macbook dimly lit, typing.
this past month–well, the past few months have been about self-realization and self-reflection. i've been.. i guess you can say.. finding myself. noticing the things i dont like about myself, noticing things i need to change, noticing what i do like about myself, etc. cutting people off has been the best thing i've been doing for myself in a long time. i was always afraid of disconnecting with people i love and care about. but the past month i've realized that some of the people that i truly care about, just aren't meant for me. or we aren't meant for each other. and that's so fucking okay. not everyone is meant to be friends. not everyone is meant to be romantically involved with who they're interested in. i've become stronger. i can let people go. i can move on and create new friendships. focusing on building real friendships is so important to me. and that's what im going to continue to do. no more looking for romance, although i so badly long to be loved. but who doesn't? who really doesn't want to be loved? i've been looking for love for so long. getting into the wrong relationships, gaining interest in the worst people, it's time to stop. it's time i focus on myself and my friendships. and i've been doing just that.
i am so much happier.
i have loved quite a few times. there are people i have loved so much, was in love with, gave my all to. but there's just one boy that i was so deeply in love with. in a way i have never been in love before. i loved him with every single fiber of my being. therefor, i consider him my true "first love". he is someone i will always hold dear to my heart. or maybe not him, but the memories. or him too. i dont know. i've moved on but its the memories that gets me. it's when i think about us back then and how he treated me. it's the memories of being in love. i love our time we had. although it has expired, those memories, i will never forget. we are no longer in contact and it is best this way. we were just a story that had to be lived for the short time that it was alive. something special for that time of our life. that is all that it was. and my memories are all that i have.
i was reading my past writings about him from years ago tonight and it just made all these memories.. resurface. this was a love that was so great. so pure. it was in fact, perfect. our story was so intense. the nervousness, the love, the fights, the hurt...
in the beginning was friendship. of course there were the thoughts of "wow he's so handsome" and you know, the heart eyes everytime his back was turned to me. i remember realizing i had feelings for him that werent just friendly. he set my heart on fire. it burned with such pure love. we spent so much time together as friends and then one night.. he kissed me. then everything changed. so many emotions, the nervousness, and excitement filling my body after that kiss. wow i miss that feeling of being so nervous and excited at the same time about someone new. we so quickly fell in love with each other it was like magic. we were just so happy. even with all the chaos going on around us. although we didnt make it, the time we did have was special. handwritten love letters and emailed love notes, late night phone calls, secret meet ups, any chance we had to communicate or see each other, we did it. i had never felt more wanted, loved, and cared for by anyone else, ever. no one could keep us apart no matter how hard someone tried. i wish i could write down all of the things i remember and felt and am feeling but its just so much and everything else belongs to just me. i love speaking about love and sharing my feelings and past. so this is why this is here. for whoever to read. the time we spent together was amongst the greatest days of my life. and i hope everyone gets to feel a love like that at least once during their lifetime.
(i didnt go into detail because.. well.. it's our story to keep.)
my life is very far from interesting. it used to be filled with fun, friends, love, and adventures. it seems that ever since i moved to washington in 2017, it all just changed. and i've come to realize that.. i dont think i like this kind of change very much. most days i find myself thinking about how my life used to be before i moved out of california (im back now but it doesnt feel like it whatsoever). i had a great job, i had great friends, i loved my apartment and the location. i loved just living in orange county. living in southern california. now that i think about it, i wish i had never left. but in june 2017, i so badly.. wanted to leave. and so i did. and i moved to olympia, washington for 7 months. now i am back in california but in a town so deserted, so horrible, so far away from anything, that it feels like i am still living so far away from california. im sad here. im alone here. i feel as if i am just wasting my life away living here. working three part time jobs and all of them combined still dont make it out to be full time all together. its rough. my life just feels so awful right now. and its going to be this way until sometime in the spring or summer of 2019 that i can finally move out again. im trying to be patient. im trying to focus on work. but it gets so difficult when im not making enough money to support myself and save to move out. when i think about my financial situation, it brings me so much sadness and stress i just kind of stop. i freeze. im still. its hard. staying positive and patient is all i can do and continue to do my best and work hard. but it all just doesnt feel like enough. things are so so hard and im fighting to keep me sane. im fighting to be happy and content in my situation.
i miss the old days. i miss my friends. the amazing places. the financial comfort. i miss my life.