today is march 30th 2020. it's been over two weeks since this quarantine thing started. the coronavirus has taken over the world. hundreds of thousands of people are sick. the numbers of cases are growing. people are dying. it's a very scary world. it's a very scary time. schools are closed, workplaces have shut down. no food or toiletry in stores. it's all so surreal. i never thought I would live to go through a pandemic like this.
my anxiety has been really, really bad. for other reasons but the coronavirus is taking a bigger toll on it than i thought it would. i've been scared to go outside. i've been cooped up in my room all day every day working on my art. trying to find new things to help with my mental health. things got bad. but everyday i'm fighting everyday i'm working hard and trying my best.
I want to get better. today the quarantine days have been extended. "30 more" is what they've been saying. it's been extended until April 30th.
this world is madness. the world is chaotic. but it is also still. i've heard the streets of la are empty. there's no more traffic. people are staying inside. people aren't staying inside. the good thing is though, people are recovering. there are more people recovering than people dying. but the fact that people are dying because of this is just horrifying. I can't wait for everything to be back to normal. to move back to southern california. to see my friends. to go to the beach, disneyland, the canyon, my special place. please, oh please, let this be over soon. please.
12:06am. i should be sleeping. i have work in the morning and i try to go to bed at least by 11:30 (even that seems too late). but i miss writing. i miss it so goddamn much. so here i am. sitting in bed. lights out, macbook dimly lit, typing.
this past month–well, the past few months have been about self-realization and self-reflection. i've been.. i guess you can say.. finding myself. noticing the things i dont like about myself, noticing things i need to change, noticing what i do like about myself, etc. cutting people off has been the best thing i've been doing for myself in a long time. i was always afraid of disconnecting with people i love and care about. but the past month i've realized that some of the people that i truly care about, just aren't meant for me. or we aren't meant for each other. and that's so fucking okay. not everyone is meant to be friends. not everyone is meant to be romantically involved with who they're interested in. i've become stronger. i can let people go. i can move on and create new friendships. focusing on building real friendships is so important to me. and that's what im going to continue to do. no more looking for romance, although i so badly long to be loved. but who doesn't? who really doesn't want to be loved? i've been looking for love for so long. getting into the wrong relationships, gaining interest in the worst people, it's time to stop. it's time i focus on myself and my friendships. and i've been doing just that.
i am so much happier.
i have loved quite a few times. there are people i have loved so much, was in love with, gave my all to. but there's just one boy that i was so deeply in love with. in a way i have never been in love before. i loved him with every single fiber of my being. therefor, i consider him my true "first love". he is someone i will always hold dear to my heart. or maybe not him, but the memories. or him too. i dont know. i've moved on but its the memories that gets me. it's when i think about us back then and how he treated me. it's the memories of being in love. i love our time we had. although it has expired, those memories, i will never forget. we are no longer in contact and it is best this way. we were just a story that had to be lived for the short time that it was alive. something special for that time of our life. that is all that it was. and my memories are all that i have.
i was reading my past writings about him from years ago tonight and it just made all these memories.. resurface. this was a love that was so great. so pure. it was in fact, perfect. our story was so intense. the nervousness, the love, the fights, the hurt...
in the beginning was friendship. of course there were the thoughts of "wow he's so handsome" and you know, the heart eyes everytime his back was turned to me. i remember realizing i had feelings for him that werent just friendly. he set my heart on fire. it burned with such pure love. we spent so much time together as friends and then one night.. he kissed me. then everything changed. so many emotions, the nervousness, and excitement filling my body after that kiss. wow i miss that feeling of being so nervous and excited at the same time about someone new. we so quickly fell in love with each other it was like magic. we were just so happy. even with all the chaos going on around us. although we didnt make it, the time we did have was special. handwritten love letters and emailed love notes, late night phone calls, secret meet ups, any chance we had to communicate or see each other, we did it. i had never felt more wanted, loved, and cared for by anyone else, ever. no one could keep us apart no matter how hard someone tried. i wish i could write down all of the things i remember and felt and am feeling but its just so much and everything else belongs to just me. i love speaking about love and sharing my feelings and past. so this is why this is here. for whoever to read. the time we spent together was amongst the greatest days of my life. and i hope everyone gets to feel a love like that at least once during their lifetime.
(i didnt go into detail because.. well.. it's our story to keep.)
my life is very far from interesting. it used to be filled with fun, friends, love, and adventures. it seems that ever since i moved to washington in 2017, it all just changed. and i've come to realize that.. i dont think i like this kind of change very much. most days i find myself thinking about how my life used to be before i moved out of california (im back now but it doesnt feel like it whatsoever). i had a great job, i had great friends, i loved my apartment and the location. i loved just living in orange county. living in southern california. now that i think about it, i wish i had never left. but in june 2017, i so badly.. wanted to leave. and so i did. and i moved to olympia, washington for 7 months. now i am back in california but in a town so deserted, so horrible, so far away from anything, that it feels like i am still living so far away from california. im sad here. im alone here. i feel as if i am just wasting my life away living here. working three part time jobs and all of them combined still dont make it out to be full time all together. its rough. my life just feels so awful right now. and its going to be this way until sometime in the spring or summer of 2019 that i can finally move out again. im trying to be patient. im trying to focus on work. but it gets so difficult when im not making enough money to support myself and save to move out. when i think about my financial situation, it brings me so much sadness and stress i just kind of stop. i freeze. im still. its hard. staying positive and patient is all i can do and continue to do my best and work hard. but it all just doesnt feel like enough. things are so so hard and im fighting to keep me sane. im fighting to be happy and content in my situation.
i miss the old days. i miss my friends. the amazing places. the financial comfort. i miss my life.
i have two places. two places i hold dear to my heart. two places i pour out my thoughts and feelings and experiences. one of these places is right here. right at this very page on this website you have clicked on. the other place is another link. a link i will not share. and only because there is no point in sharing. there is no point to tell whatever soul that reads my writings because it is password protected and no one will ever get into it. so i guess, if i wanted to, i could share the link. but no one would be able to see a single thing besides a bar in the middle of the screen that reads "Enter password". that place, is my most special. my most deep.
there are some things i am able to share publicly, not knowing if anyone even reads, but i choose to make some of my writings public (here) just because. sometimes you dont need a reason to do something. you dont need to explain your reason, if you have one. this, here, is where i write and am not afraid to show the world. my other place, is just far more personal and only belongs to me. i love having these two places. i feel safe.
ahh, finally. the month i've been waiting for all year. i'm trying to be as patient as possible with the weather here where i live. waiting for the chilliness of autumn to roll in. waiting.. waiting... waiting. it'll come soon, i hope.
today is October 1st. i woke up so so happy. threw on my black levi's, a jack skellington shirt, black converse, and the cutest pumpkin socks from target. although it doesnt feel like october outside, i'm definitely making it feel like it inside my home. well, my room. i paused The Sixth Sense to write. i really miss it. so here i am. sitting here, on my bed, typing away on my laptop. i lit a cauldron candle i got from target called "witches brew" and it smells like spiced pumpkins. also got my twinkle lights up and it just feels so cozy in here.
i dont have many spooky festivities planned this year like i usually do. which really bums me out since this is the most wonderful time of the year ;)
but, you know, it'll be okay. next year will be so much better. i cant do much this year since all my money has to go to saving. i'm trying to move out of this awful town. and california again, which makes me a bit sad but i think its for the best. at least for this chapter in my life.
last year i spent these days in washington state where i was living. walking up and down the streets of my neighborhood with my dog, willow. the leaves yellow, orange, and red. it was so dang pretty. i dont think i ever seen a reall "fall". in california, or southern california at least.. the leaves dont really change. i mean they do but they go from green to brown and you dont even notice that they were even yellow or any other color but green. cant wait to spend next october in a place with all the trees are colorful. i hope who ever reads this, if anyone reads this, will have a spooky and cozy and fun october.
In 2015 i started thinking about where i wanted to be in life. where i wanted to get to. i had baby fever. i had.. house fever. i was single though so no way was i going to have a baby or own a house. i did, however, have a thought on what age i wanted to have kids by, what age i wanted to get married by, and all the other things like moving out of state and owning my own place rather than just renting. I planned to have at least one child by the age of 27... i was 20 when i had those thoughts. i didnt know i would have more heartbreaking experiences to go through, more life changing experiences, i didnt think about anything else other than -i want a baby at the age of 27-. to me, my ideal situation would be that i would be in a long term relationship. a couple of years at least. isnt that what people dream of? being with someone who loves them? anyway, i thought my life would be so different than what it is right now. it's been three years since i had those thoughts –those dreams–. I am 23 now. i am not in a relationship and i am no where near where i thought i'd be at this age. the thought of getting to where i want to be -with that sort of stuff- really makes me anxious. Im in a ton of debt, i live in the worst city in california, i have no friends around me and i never get to see any of the ones that i do have because they live 2+ hours away and i literally work every single day. being in a solid long term relationship and starting a family by the age of 27 seems so unrealistic to me now. thats just 4 years away. will i be there? will it happen sooner? will it never happen? its 12:13am and i just suddenly had this thought. and so now i am back here, on my public journal, writing. ...well, typing if you want to be technical. i wonder if other people have these kinds of thoughts as well? i mean, im sure people do but i sure as hell feel so alone and like im the only one on this planet sometimes. i've had a lot going on the past year. it's been an insane ride. i dont know where i will be in four years. but i do know next year i am moving back up north. I'm going to be living in Oregon this time. and im starting to believe the reason why i am here, where i am living now and why all the things that happened to me happened.. was all meant to happen. it was supposed to be this way. it IS supposed to be this way. i dont know why, but i just feel it. so i hope this all works out. i hope so many opportunities open up for me. i hope good things come my way. i hope i'll get to where i want to be.
this is all the words my brain has scrambled together and i am very sleepy. i miss writing so much.