ahh, finally. the month i've been waiting for all year. i'm trying to be as patient as possible with the weather here where i live. waiting for the chilliness of autumn to roll in. waiting.. waiting... waiting. it'll come soon, i hope.
today is October 1st. i woke up so so happy. threw on my black levi's, a jack skellington shirt, black converse, and the cutest pumpkin socks from target. although it doesnt feel like october outside, i'm definitely making it feel like it inside my home. well, my room. i paused The Sixth Sense to write. i really miss it. so here i am. sitting here, on my bed, typing away on my laptop. i lit a cauldron candle i got from target called "witches brew" and it smells like spiced pumpkins. also got my twinkle lights up and it just feels so cozy in here.
i dont have many spooky festivities planned this year like i usually do. which really bums me out since this is the most wonderful time of the year ;)
but, you know, it'll be okay. next year will be so much better. i cant do much this year since all my money has to go to saving. i'm trying to move out of this awful town. and california again, which makes me a bit sad but i think its for the best. at least for this chapter in my life.
last year i spent these days in washington state where i was living. walking up and down the streets of my neighborhood with my dog, willow. the leaves yellow, orange, and red. it was so dang pretty. i dont think i ever seen a reall "fall". in california, or southern california at least.. the leaves dont really change. i mean they do but they go from green to brown and you dont even notice that they were even yellow or any other color but green. cant wait to spend next october in a place with all the trees are colorful. i hope who ever reads this, if anyone reads this, will have a spooky and cozy and fun october.
In 2015 i started thinking about where i wanted to be in life. where i wanted to get to. i had baby fever. i had.. house fever. i was single though so no way was i going to have a baby or own a house. i did, however, have a thought on what age i wanted to have kids by, what age i wanted to get married by, and all the other things like moving out of state and owning my own place rather than just renting. I planned to have at least one child by the age of 27... i was 20 when i had those thoughts. i didnt know i would have more heartbreaking experiences to go through, more life changing experiences, i didnt think about anything else other than -i want a baby at the age of 27-. to me, my ideal situation would be that i would be in a long term relationship. a couple of years at least. isnt that what people dream of? being with someone who loves them? anyway, i thought my life would be so different than what it is right now. it's been three years since i had those thoughts –those dreams–. I am 23 now. i am not in a relationship and i am no where near where i thought i'd be at this age. the thought of getting to where i want to be -with that sort of stuff- really makes me anxious. Im in a ton of debt, i live in the worst city in california, i have no friends around me and i never get to see any of the ones that i do have because they live 2+ hours away and i literally work every single day. being in a solid long term relationship and starting a family by the age of 27 seems so unrealistic to me now. thats just 4 years away. will i be there? will it happen sooner? will it never happen? its 12:13am and i just suddenly had this thought. and so now i am back here, on my public journal, writing. ...well, typing if you want to be technical. i wonder if other people have these kinds of thoughts as well? i mean, im sure people do but i sure as hell feel so alone and like im the only one on this planet sometimes. i've had a lot going on the past year. it's been an insane ride. i dont know where i will be in four years. but i do know next year i am moving back up north. I'm going to be living in Oregon this time. and im starting to believe the reason why i am here, where i am living now and why all the things that happened to me happened.. was all meant to happen. it was supposed to be this way. it IS supposed to be this way. i dont know why, but i just feel it. so i hope this all works out. i hope so many opportunities open up for me. i hope good things come my way. i hope i'll get to where i want to be.
this is all the words my brain has scrambled together and i am very sleepy. i miss writing so much.
It's been a whole year. over a year, in fact. and oh damn, what a year it was. obviously so much has happened. before writing this i wanted to finish writing about my trip to the u.k., amsterdam, and the anne frank haus. but, i havent. instead, im going to write this. i've missed writing so much. i've missed my blog, my online journal, my whatever you want to call it. i feel like i want to say literally everything that has happened since i last wrote but at the same time, i just dont even want to. so i wont. but i will say, i think i might have grown immensely. my last post was about my appearance and how i couldnt see myself as beautiful. that has completely changed. beginning july 2017 till now ive worn less makeup than i ever have since when i started to wear it. i feel beautiful in my skin now, i truly do. i feel good when i go out in public with a bare face. but i also realized i dont have to not wear makeup in order to feel beautiful. i can still feel naturally beautiful even while wearing makeup. so thats been a huge milestone, i guess you can say.
i've moved. i moved out of state. far away from all my family. all my friends. it was great and not so great. i found Jesus, rescued a dog, and bought a car. i think thats about it as far as all the good stuff. nothing else significant really has happened since moving here. in the good way, anyhow.
also living here has made me very depressed. ive become a hermit. my anxiety is at its worst. and everything seems to be falling apart.
im moving back home. yes home. home to california.
i cant live on my own. i cant afford my bills. im going back home to focus on that. theres many reasons why im going back home. i really do miss california. so much. but i feel like i dont know where i belong. i dont want to be here, i dont want to be there. i just want to disappear. i dont know.
anyway, i hope ill get back into writing. i've been very unmotivated the last year. things just dont feel right. again. i feel very lost.
Sitting here, with my dogs in my lap, all snuggled up because we're cold, im thinking. i'm thinking about my appearance. how i wish i didnt have to wear makeup to feel beautiful. this is something i've always struggled with. i dont want to wear makeup. or at least the amount that i do anyhow.. i want to see beauty in my bare face. i dont want to feel insecure walking out of the house or when my mother or brother look at me. i want to feel beautiful. i honestly really hate having to wear makeup. i see photos of a lot of women who are so beautiful and dont even wear the slightest bit of foundation or eyeshadow. i want to be like them. i want to feel comfortable. my friends and family and even random people tell me how pretty i am, of course, when i have a full face of makeup on. but sometimes even then, i just simply cannot see it. i dont understand. sometimes i feel so horrible, most times actually. its a struggle for me to see beauty. even with makeup. maybe i'm just distorting everything people see? maybe i am beautiful? but when i look in the mirror, i cannot see what everyone else is seeing. im not being hard on myself, im not lying to myself, i really, physically cant see the beauty. i wonder if i will ever stop wearing makeup. i wonder if ill ever feel comfortable and confident in my own skin without having to hide all of my imperfections.
It is 1:06am on wednesday, october 5th, 2016. I've turned out my lights around 12am and have not fallen into sleep yet. My mind is too busy thinking about everything i want to do in my life. my goals, my dreams. my pup is laying at the corner of my bed, snoring away softly. i like silence, most nights, but her breathing is keeping me at ease tonight.
I lay here thinking about where my life will take me. when will it take me. how will it take me. i have so many ideas and passions and i just dont know what it is i want to do. i mean, i do know. but theres so much more now that i want to accomplish and become successful in but maybe this is just a dream? maybe its not going to happen? maybe i need to start having some faith in myself and make it happen. after all, i am probably one of the most ambitious people i know.
i want to open up an apothecary shop filled with teas and herbal medicine and everything that comes with homeopathy and naturopathy. i want it to be as popular as a 7-eleven. i want people to know that there are healthier alternatives to becoming healthy.
i want to build a small community of tiny houses and rent them out like apartments.
i want to build a real life hogwarts but into a hotel. I wonder if J.K. Rowling would even approve? I dont know. but oh man that would be a dream come true. i want to replicate hogwarts exterior and interior and make it a hotel for all muggles to enjoy.
i want to own a halloween themed theme park. Spooky rides, creepy mazes, frightening attractions. how amazing would that be? to have an amusement park dedicated to halloween.
i think to myself, maybe this will never happen, maybe im dreaming too big. maybe my dreams arent realistic. but how can they be realistic if i think so negatively? i want to push to make these happen. im scared. im excited. im nervous. im doubtful. im hopeful. it's not impossible to accomplish my dreams. it's not impossible to be successful in everything i want to do. i just need to work at it and give my god damn hardest and never give up. i have so many dreams. i want to make these dreams become a reality.
I kept hearing "niceland" and "everyone is so nice in Iceland", which I found to be quite wrong. Not everyone is so nice. I found that mainly the people working (buss drivers, retail, restaurant, etc) they all had an attitude and were a little rude... or a lot rude. Which I found a bit disappointing. But, overall, it was fine, I guess.
