Past/Future.

12:19 AM

In 2015 i started thinking about where i wanted to be in life. where i wanted to get to. i had baby fever. i had.. house fever. i was single though so no way was i going to have a baby or own a house. i did, however, have a thought on what age i wanted to have kids by, what age i wanted to get married by, and all the other things like moving out of state and owning my own place rather than just renting. I planned to have at least one child by the age of 27... i was 20 when i had those thoughts. i didnt know i would have more heartbreaking experiences to go through, more life changing experiences, i didnt think about anything else other than -i want a baby at the age of 27-. to me, my ideal situation would be that i would be in a long term relationship. a couple of years at least. isnt that what people dream of? being with someone who loves them? anyway, i thought my life would be so different than what it is right now. it's been three years since i had those thoughts –those dreams–. I am 23 now. i am not in a relationship and i am no where near where i thought i'd be at this age. the thought of getting to where i want to be -with that sort of stuff- really makes me anxious. Im in a ton of debt, i live in the worst city in california, i have no friends around me and i never get to see any of the ones that i do have because they live 2+ hours away and i literally work every single day. being in a solid long term relationship and starting a family by the age of 27 seems so unrealistic to me now. thats just 4 years away. will i be there? will it happen sooner? will it never happen? its 12:13am and i just suddenly had this thought. and so now i am back here, on my public journal, writing. ...well, typing if you want to be technical. i wonder if other people have these kinds of thoughts as well? i mean, im sure people do but i sure as hell feel so alone and like im the only one on this planet sometimes. i've had a lot going on the past year. it's been an insane ride. i dont know where i will be in four years. but i do know next year i am moving back up north. I'm going to be living in Oregon this time. and im starting to believe the reason why i am here, where i am living now and why all the things that happened to me happened.. was all meant to happen. it was supposed to be this way. it IS supposed to be this way. i dont know why, but i just feel it. so i hope this all works out. i hope so many opportunities open up for me. i hope good things come my way. i hope i'll get to where i want to be.
this is all the words my brain has scrambled together and i am very sleepy. i miss writing so much.

8:24 PM

It's been a whole year. over a year, in fact. and oh damn, what a year it was. obviously so much has happened. before writing this i wanted to finish writing about my trip to the u.k., amsterdam, and the anne frank haus. but, i havent. instead, im going to write this. i've missed writing so much. i've missed my blog, my online journal, my whatever you want to call it. i feel like i want to say literally everything that has happened since i last wrote but at the same time, i just dont even want to. so i wont. but i will say, i think i might have grown immensely. my last post was about my appearance and how i couldnt see myself as beautiful. that has completely changed. beginning july 2017 till now ive worn less makeup than i ever have since when i started to wear it. i feel beautiful in my skin now, i truly do. i feel good when i go out in public with a bare face. but i also realized i dont have to not wear makeup in order to feel beautiful. i can still feel naturally beautiful even while wearing makeup. so thats been a huge milestone, i guess you can say.
i've moved. i moved out of state. far away from all my family. all my friends. it was great and not so great. i found Jesus, rescued a dog, and bought a car. i think thats about it as far as all the good stuff. nothing else significant really has happened since moving here. in the good way, anyhow.
also living here has made me very depressed. ive become a hermit. my anxiety is at its worst. and everything seems to be falling apart.

im moving back home. yes home. home to california.

i cant live on my own. i cant afford my bills. im going back home to focus on that. theres many reasons why im going back home. i really do miss california. so much. but i feel like i dont know where i belong. i dont want to be here, i dont want to be there. i just want to disappear. i dont know.

anyway, i hope ill get back into writing. i've been very unmotivated the last year. things just dont feel right. again. i feel very lost.

appearance

11:26 AM

Sitting here, with my dogs in my lap, all snuggled up because we're cold, im thinking. i'm thinking about my appearance. how i wish i didnt have to wear makeup to feel beautiful. this is something i've always struggled with. i dont want to wear makeup. or at least the amount that i do anyhow.. i want to see beauty in my bare face. i dont want to feel insecure walking out of the house or when my mother or brother look at me. i want to feel beautiful. i honestly really hate having to wear makeup. i see photos of a lot of women who are so beautiful and dont even wear the slightest bit of foundation or eyeshadow. i want to be like them. i want to feel comfortable. my friends and family and even random people tell me how pretty i am, of course, when i have a full face of makeup on. but sometimes even then, i just simply cannot see it. i dont understand. sometimes i feel so horrible, most times actually. its a struggle for me to see beauty. even with makeup. maybe i'm just distorting everything people see? maybe i am beautiful? but when i look in the mirror, i cannot see what everyone else is seeing. im not being hard on myself, im not lying to myself, i really, physically cant see the beauty. i wonder if i will ever stop wearing makeup. i wonder if ill ever feel comfortable and confident in my own skin without having to hide all of my imperfections.

the future

3:09 AM

I wonder how my life will be in a year from now, four years from now, ten years from now. Will I be reading my son The Giving Tree before I put him to bed or brushing my daughters wet hair while listening to Ólafur Arnalds' "Living Room Songs"? Will I be reading a book on a train from Germany to Switzerland? Will I be sipping tea on top of a roof at 6am with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with? Will I be teaching Romanian children how to say "how are you?" in English? Will I be painting my home that burnt orange or soft yellow or olive green color that I love so much? I don't know what the future has in store for me. I can only hope it will be good. I hope it will be filled with happiness. Happiness starts with yourself, not another person. Depending on someone for happiness is the worst possible thing you can put yourself through. My mother always taught me to depend on nobody. Support myself and be independent. That, I have learned. It's easier for me to be happy now. & I find happiness in the smallest things. Like walking in neighborhoods with willow trees or driving through foresty/canyon areas. The smell of books, tea, independent films, seeing others going about their day–happily. Sometimes I'd like to jump ahead in time and skip the now. I've been so impatiently lately. Which is extremely unlike me. But patience is good. A year from now, four years from now, ten years from now, I will think back to this night where I'm up wondering what my life will be like and it might not be any of my thoughts. My life could be completely different. I do hope I'd be traveling though; for traveling is my rapture. But who really knows? Time, patience, and hard work is all I need.

Dreams

1:24 AM

It is 1:06am on wednesday, october 5th, 2016. I've turned out my lights around 12am and have not fallen into sleep yet. My mind is too busy thinking about everything i want to do in my life. my goals, my dreams. my pup is laying at the corner of my bed, snoring away softly. i like silence, most nights, but her breathing is keeping me at ease tonight.
I lay here thinking about where my life will take me. when will it take me. how will it take me. i have so many ideas and passions and i just dont know what it is i want to do. i mean, i do know. but theres so much more now that i want to accomplish and become successful in but maybe this is just a dream? maybe its not going to happen? maybe i need to start having some faith in myself and make it happen. after all, i am probably one of the most ambitious people i know.

i want to open up an apothecary shop filled with teas and herbal medicine and everything that comes with homeopathy and naturopathy. i want it to be as popular as a 7-eleven. i want people to know that there are healthier alternatives to becoming healthy.
i want to build a small community of tiny houses and rent them out like apartments.
i want to build a real life hogwarts but into a hotel. I wonder if J.K. Rowling would even approve? I dont know. but oh man that would be a dream come true. i want to replicate hogwarts exterior and interior and make it a hotel for all muggles to enjoy.
i want to own a halloween themed theme park. Spooky rides, creepy mazes, frightening attractions. how amazing would that be? to have an amusement park dedicated to halloween.

i think to myself, maybe this will never happen, maybe im dreaming too big. maybe my dreams arent realistic. but how can they be realistic if i think so negatively? i want to push to make these happen. im scared. im excited. im nervous. im doubtful. im hopeful. it's not impossible to accomplish my dreams. it's not impossible to be successful in everything i want to do. i just need to work at it and give my god damn hardest and never give up. i have so many dreams. i want to make these dreams become a reality.

Iceland

11:49 AM

It's fascinating how different another country is from the country I live in. The way people move, the language, the food, the activities, the jokes, the personalities, the trends, the transportation, the art, the housing, everything. In Iceland, the population is roughly 300,000. This year will have about 1.5 million tourists. Iceland won't be so tiny anymore. There will be loads of people.
I kept hearing "niceland" and "everyone is so nice in Iceland", which I found to be quite wrong. Not everyone is so nice. I found that mainly the people working (buss drivers, retail, restaurant, etc) they all had an attitude and were a little rude... or a lot rude. Which I found a bit disappointing. But, overall, it was fine, I guess.
I did not get to watch the midnight sun. That was one thing I was really looking forward to doing but I just never had the chance to actually watch it. One reason being it was cloudy most of the time. And the days it wasn't cloudy, I was exhausted so i slept early. Anyway, the sights were amazing.
I went to quite a few waterfalls and hiked a ton to get to captivating places. It was raining most of the time which was a little annoying but the views were well worth it.
I've met a girl from France through Couch Surfing, her name is Honorine. I met her about a month or 3 weeks before leaving to Iceland. Her and I planned to travel together. So we were together for most of my trip (her accent started rubbing off on me and I noticed the pronunciations of some of the words id say, sounded like a French accent!) It was fun and she is great. We rented a car and went south, west, and east. We had 4 days of roadtrips and it was pretty cool. I'm not much of a long drive person (if im driving) but during those days, I was 100% all for it! And I'm so glad I did it. {Down below are photos I have taken of my trip and some writings following them.}
During my time away from home, I didn't check social media, I didn't check anyone's snapchat, I posted on there but didn't check anyone's postings. And let me tell you, it felt great. I didn't text people from home, it was just me, honorine, a friend in Iceland, my parents, and that's pretty much it. I advise everyone do this when they take a trip somewhere far away. It's refreshing and less stressing.

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Árbærjasafn

Oh, did I love this open air museum! I was alone this day, honorine had not arrived yet. I took a bus to get close to here then got a little lost along the way. I found myself walking down a small neighborhood and saw a woman from afar unloading boxes from her car with her daughter in a pretty soft glittery pink dress standing beside her. I walked towards her and when I got close enough, I asked her for directions. As she was pointing the correct ways for me to head, she paused and realized it was too far for me to walk so she offered to take me. It was such a kind thing of her to do considering she does not know me. She asked me a few questions about myself and my trip on the way to Árbær. She was a sweet woman & when she dropped me off, she told me to have a great trip.
I entered the small house shaped building where you pay for your ticket. The employees were dressed in early 1900s atire. This museum was fascinating. There were houses that were built in the late 1800s and early 1900s and you can walk through them and learn about them and see how houses in those days in Iceland looked. It was so cool. Some of the houses had music flowing through them. Seeing how different the furniture was and hearing the music from those days was just amazing. The type of wood, the bedding, the portraits, the books, the staircases, the architecture, I was in awe the entire time going through those houses. People used to live in those. They were real houses. I can't get over it. It was so so cool.

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Blue Lagoon in Grindavík


This place... was relaxing and just a dream. A geothermal lagoon with silica. (I hate silica!!!!) but it was wonderful. The warm water was so calming. Honorine and I spent probably an hour in it. It's pretty big so there's lots of areas to go to. We had gotten smoothies to enjoy as well as a silica mask that came complementary with the admission. It was unreal to see the water and actually be in it. It's a touristy activity but it's definitely worth going to.

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Hjálparfoss

This was the first waterfall we went to see. The two made a beautiful rainbow, which I tried to capture in a photo but didn't work out. All I have is my memory. And that is absolutely fine with me. There were TONS of bugs though. Which I was not fine with. It was annoying but the view was worth it.

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Icelandic Wonders Museum in Stokkseyri

I'm sad I came to Iceland during a time where nightfall isnt happening. Therefor, I did not have the possibility to watch the northern lights. Here, here I was at another museum. It was about elves. Pretty dang cool in my opinion. I've always loved anything that has to do with fantasy and myths and urban legends. And here, in Iceland, many of the older generation believe in elves and trolls. It is called the Land of Elves. It's fascinating to think about.
There was a second part to the museum called Draugasetrið which was around the back in a completely different building. This one was about ghosts. These museums give you a headset and you walk to each number and listen to the story. But, in the ghost one, oh man oh man, it was terrifying!! I did not think it was going to be what it was. They had people pop out and scare you! It was so unexpected I was literally shaking in fear, ha! Everything was so eerie and dark and there was a room where you're supposed to go in it by yourself and then the other person after but honorine and I were too chicken so we went in together...... THANK GOODNESS we went in together! That thing was so dang scary! It was a super fun walk through but so unexpected and creepy.

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On our way to skógar

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Skógar Museum

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Skógar

Skógafoss.. Oh skógafoss. My absolute most favorite waterfall I've seen. It was huge. With the black sand and volcano rocks, it was perfect. I imagined a giant troll (but trolls are small?) dressed in the clothes they're dressed in in the books and postcards here in Iceland, drinking water from the fall like a small water fountain. How cool would that be?
We hiked up and walked maybe a little over half a mile to see a few more waterfalls—apparently there was 22! And we only saw about 4. Beautiful green fields of grass and moss. Moss everywhere. Sheep "baa"ing and eating grass. People way ahead searching for the other waterfalls. I've never hiked so much and so high and by the end of it, my legs were noodles. But it was worth it. Like every view I've seen, is.

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Black sand beach, Vík

Crazy beautiful and unreal!! Need I say more?

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Fjaðrárgljúfur


Okay this was high on my list of things I wanted to see. We drove about 3/4 hours east to get here.

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Seljavallalaug Pool

This is a naturally heated pool; unfortunately, I didn't bring my bathing suit so I didn't get to enjoy it. But honorine did! It was a beautiful location and icelands oldest pool! This was literally in the mountain area. Nothing else around, just a stream, moss, rocks, and mountains. Beautiful. Fascinating. Amazing.

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Seljalandsfoss
On our way back to the Airbnb we stopped by this waterfall. You can walk behind it but we didn't, we were cold and tired & we would've gotten super wet from it so we decided not to!

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Downtown Reykjavik 3am
Let's just say this was a very very long night, haha! Fun memories.

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Brúarfoss

Trying to find this waterfall was so very difficult and confusing. But after frustration and irritation, almost an hour of driving around, and walking down the wrong paths, we finally found it and oh my goodness it was such a beauty.


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Being a solo female traveler (only for about 3 days since honorine joined me for most of my trip) it wasn't scary at all. I got around, did things independently, I wasn't scared. I wasn't nervous. I guess it all just depends where you are traveling. But Iceland, it is safe. For the most part. You will come across many solo backpackers and women traveling. You aren't alone. And there are meet ups you can go to with only travelers so if you're feeling uneasy or alone, you can definitely meet some new people there and possibly travel with them! This was such an adventurous experience. I can't wait to travel again.

LAX to KEF

12:20 AM

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Almost an hour & a half into this 8 hour flight to Keflavík, Iceland. My first time on board with an international airline. The airplane is purple. More like fuchsia, I suppose. The women flight attendants are so pretty. At first, I thought they were American. But then, I heard two of them speaking to each other in Icelandic. Fascinating—I think to myself. Here, on this airline, since it is an Icelandic airline, the legal drinking age is 20. I was a little excited about that. I did think for a second if I wanted to buy a drink for myself; I did not. I did buy a 7up though. All the words on the can were in Icelandic. Amazing. There is a slight difference in taste. It seems as if it is stale or old. But not bad enough to not drink. It was 300 isk. My first Icelandic purchase was 7up on this plane.
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Holy cow, how are these Icelandic women so darn pretty!?

2 hours down. I am now listening to Ólafur Arnalds' Living Room Songs album & reading Our Endless Numbered Days. I am starting chapter 5. The chapter where the real story begins. I find comfort in piano music while reading. It's so soothing to me & I feel it is the best thing you can feed your soul when reading.

It is now almost the 5th hour on this flight. Watching the sky turn from blue to pink to purple, to a mix of all three & then to a darker blue is quite beautiful. The way the earth works is just breathtaking. During these past 5 hours, I've been surviving hunger only with original Chex mix & chocolate chip granola bars. I am starving. Craving some vegan food!

During the 2nd hour to now, I've taken naps, read, listened to music, (as of right now I am listening to crystal castles). I am so ready to get off this plane. 2 hours & 40 minutes left to go!
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It's 9:30pm PST (says my phone) & the sky is changing color again. It went from the deep blue to a light pinkish orange. It's so incredible flying through different time zones. I'm in awe.

About 2 hours left until I land in Keflavík. It's so odd knowing how early in the morning it is wherever we are flying through & it's completely daylight outside when it should be dawn.