(not my photos. just my words)
something new is happening. someone new is happening. it's strange, to feel like this. you see, it's been years. years since this feeling has been mutual. and to be quite honest, starting just a month ago, i truly thought my heart was not capable of feeling this way for someone again. after him. for the past 7 years it was him that i felt so deeply in love with and missed all the time. I had other relationships as distractions but nothing quite like this.
what is happening now was so unexpected. i ended things for good with the 7 years person and it finally felt so good to let him go after all the years of dreaming we’d be together. we never did. it was someone else. there was always someone else. never a time where he had chosen me first.. it felt good letting him go. & i started to feel okay again but i did really feel like i was never going feel this way again. feel so strongly about someone..and then came you...
after i decided to delete my dating apps and focus on my new career path—you came along. very shortly after. not expecting any of this to happen when we first started talking. it started with me following you & then suddenly we were replying to each other’s stories until one day a conversation carried on.. and on.. and on. It didn’t stop. I was so.. you were so... it was just different. you were checking off (and still continue to) every single one of my boxes. at first i kept saying to myself.. “what is happening? how is this happening? is this for real? am i dreaming?” but i truly deserve this. so I’m letting this happen. of course I’m afraid to get hurt but to be honest, i don’t really feel afraid with you. i feel safe. and I’ve never felt this way I’ve never felt so safe with someone and it’s because you constantly show your interest in me, continue to get to know me, and all of the above. you make me feel like i am in a dream. even though you are somewhere around 1,136 miles away from me.
i can’t remember the last time i felt butterflies flying around in my stomach and in my chest but with you, it’s been nonstop. i can’t talk about it enough how many times I’ve buried my face in my hands because i was smiling so much and just.. so genuinely happy after the things you say to me. it feels so good with you. so easy. you’ve showed me in this very short amount of time that i in fact am capable of feeling this way again. i am not as broken as i thought i was. i started to heal from him before you came along and i think that was so very important. i had accepted what we had was over and that he was going to be with someone else. I had accepted that our time had expired. and i think being able to heal on my own and be okay by myself is what lead me to you. the universe put you, us, right where we belong. in each other’s lives. the crazy part is, we had a chance three years ago but it didn’t work. we didn’t take that chance and our lives went in different directions without each other. I think it was meant to happen this way. the universe had more lessons for me -and for you as well- to learn before we could find our way to each other, where it seems like we are supposed to be.
the very most important part of all of this to me is that i am not losing sight of what i want in my life. I’ve always been one to lose myself within another. let my s/o become everything while i became nothing. forget about myself and just be everything for them. but this time is different; this time I’m still me. I’m still focusing on my career and the things i love and want in life. all while my head is filled with you. this feels good. mature and like I’ve grown.
I am so over the moon with you.
this is a dream. you, are a dream.
and i am so very lucky.
I have not slept yet. Besides the two hours after i fell asleep. It’s 2am and i start to play animal crossing. And then it’s 4am and i start to watch Skins season 4 effys episode (second to last of the season). I’m thinking to myself -just like old times-. Being up this late reminds me of summer 2012. When I’d stay up till sunrise watching indie romance / adolescent films and skins. Every single day. Eating strawberry mochi ice cream or Daelmans caramel stroopwafels I’d get from the Asian market. Very fond memories.
At 5am i looked out my window. I could see dawn peeking behind the trees. I wanted to go outside so i put on willows harness and took him for a walk. the blue and purple sky with pink clouds and the hills in the distance. The crisp 5am air was something i longed to feel on my skin, something i longed to smell again. I’ve missed this. So much. There’s something about the air here that feels so special to me. Nostalgia. Walking outside to 59 degree early morning weather and the smell of wet soil and plants filled my lungs with joy and comfort. I love being here. I’ve missed being here. I hope for more nights like this. goodnight.
before I left home, before I moved to washington state, I had a life here in southern california. before I left I was working full time at starbucks in downtown disney, had my own apartment with my brother and his girlfriend, had some really great friends, I travelled outside the country, I was on and off with a boy I loved, I was going to school full time, I would go on drives through the canyon and spend some alone time in the park, id go to disneyland and universal studios, id go get mangonadas by my house, id go to the beach at night, I just... everything was great minus the rocky relationship I was in.
then I left.
I moved to washington for 7 months. thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life there or at least a lot longer than.. 7 months. after that I moved to lake elsinore, ca. for three days. then I was homeless for about a week, sleeping on my brothers couch. after that I finally gave in and decided to move back in with my mom. only this time she lived in bakersfield, ca.
im back now. back to southern california. back home. I wish I couldve somehow put the last three years on pause.
I wish I left, clicked pause, lived those three years away, came back and pressed play.
I just so badly wish I could resume my life here like if I never left.
but I cant.
things are so different. and ive accepted everything that has happened over the past years but now finally living here again its just.. weird. also this global pandemic doesnt help. I feel lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the excitement of someone new. I miss the anxiety of someone breaking my heart. I miss the late-night drives alone or with friends. I miss everything I once had before I left.
I miss it all.
it's 1:01am and I just want to write.
write about all the things ive been feeling lately. I am so happy. god am I so so damn happy. 7 days ago, thursday april 16th to be exact - my brother called me. "how soon can you move in?" excuse me WHAT? i've been planning to move out with my friend to la but in that phone call, everything changed. I wont be moving to LA. instead I will be moving back to orange county. and this is where I want to be. this is where i've wanted to be ever since I left. washington was a journey but I missed california so much. so I came back. I was supposed to live in lake elsinore but things happened and I was homeless for a week after arriving. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. but in a town so far away from everything, my friends, places I enjoyed, everything. separated by a mountain and 120+ miles, I felt trapped. ive been here for over two years and every single day I just would think -I cant believe this is my life.. I cant believe I am living here- its been awful. I didnt want this. but I cant help but think that the universe has done this for me. not to me.
two years of sadness, two years of loneliness, two years of feeling imprisoned. in 12 days I get to be free. I get to go home. I've waited for this for so long. I still cant believe this is where my life is right now. I feel like I've wasted two years of my life. 22 sucked. 23 sucked. 24 is about to get so much better. it feels unreal. whats my life going to be like when I move back? will it be the way it used to be? will it be how it is now? will it be better? I so badly want it to be the way it used to be but I know it wont. so much has changed since I've lived there. but im just so unbelievably happy that I cant to live in a place I feel comfortable in, happy. I cant wait to see my friends once its safe to do so again (thx coronavirus) I cant wait to take a drive to a place that means so much to me. a place I go to to clear my head, to be alone, to just.. be. I cant wait to go to the beach again and it not be two hours away anymore. I cant wait to live in orange county again. I've missed it i've missed my life. more than anything else. I am over the moon. twelve more days.
comfort in sadness.
sitting outside. 67 degrees. I haven't been out like this in months. I've been fighting a really tough battle mentally lately. it's been hard to leave my room, check the mail, come outside.
but today, here I am. sitting outside. 11am came and I put on shorts, took my shoes off and just came to the little backyard area of my home. it's 4:35pm and I am still outside. bliss.
sitting in the sun
feeling the warmth touch my face
the breeze brush past my skin
I get chills
not because i'm cold
but because this is what my body has needed
what my body has been longing for
fresh air, the sun, the breeze
all of it.
I came outside walked around barefoot on the cement walking paths
stepping my feet onto the stepstones in the pool of rocks
hopping from one stone to another.
barefoot, sun kissing my skin, the air filling my lungs
happiness
I feel childlike
I feel happy
I watered the plants, they were thirsty
played with my dogs, they were excited
I ate lunch outside, painted my nails and toenails outside,
danced around in the sunlight, feeling the breeze,
listening to the palm trees leaves nudge each other in the wind
its like magic
I feel so good today
I actually can't remember the last time i've felt this good, this peaceful.
euphoria
here's something to bring you a little magic today.
today is march 30th 2020. it's been over two weeks since this quarantine thing started. the coronavirus has taken over the world. hundreds of thousands of people are sick. the numbers of cases are growing. people are dying. it's a very scary world. it's a very scary time. schools are closed, workplaces have shut down. no food or toiletry in stores. it's all so surreal. i never thought I would live to go through a pandemic like this.
my anxiety has been really, really bad. for other reasons but the coronavirus is taking a bigger toll on it than i thought it would. i've been scared to go outside. i've been cooped up in my room all day every day working on my art. trying to find new things to help with my mental health. things got bad. but everyday i'm fighting everyday i'm working hard and trying my best.
I want to get better. today the quarantine days have been extended. "30 more" is what they've been saying. it's been extended until April 30th.
this world is madness. the world is chaotic. but it is also still. i've heard the streets of la are empty. there's no more traffic. people are staying inside. people aren't staying inside. the good thing is though, people are recovering. there are more people recovering than people dying. but the fact that people are dying because of this is just horrifying. I can't wait for everything to be back to normal. to move back to southern california. to see my friends. to go to the beach, disneyland, the canyon, my special place. please, oh please, let this be over soon. please.
12:06am. i should be sleeping. i have work in the morning and i try to go to bed at least by 11:30 (even that seems too late). but i miss writing. i miss it so goddamn much. so here i am. sitting in bed. lights out, macbook dimly lit, typing.
this past month–well, the past few months have been about self-realization and self-reflection. i've been.. i guess you can say.. finding myself. noticing the things i dont like about myself, noticing things i need to change, noticing what i do like about myself, etc. cutting people off has been the best thing i've been doing for myself in a long time. i was always afraid of disconnecting with people i love and care about. but the past month i've realized that some of the people that i truly care about, just aren't meant for me. or we aren't meant for each other. and that's so fucking okay. not everyone is meant to be friends. not everyone is meant to be romantically involved with who they're interested in. i've become stronger. i can let people go. i can move on and create new friendships. focusing on building real friendships is so important to me. and that's what im going to continue to do. no more looking for romance, although i so badly long to be loved. but who doesn't? who really doesn't want to be loved? i've been looking for love for so long. getting into the wrong relationships, gaining interest in the worst people, it's time to stop. it's time i focus on myself and my friendships. and i've been doing just that.
i am so much happier.
i have loved quite a few times. there are people i have loved so much, was in love with, gave my all to. but there's just one boy that i was so deeply in love with. in a way i have never been in love before. i loved him with every single fiber of my being. therefor, i consider him my true "first love". he is someone i will always hold dear to my heart. or maybe not him, but the memories. or him too. i dont know. i've moved on but its the memories that gets me. it's when i think about us back then and how he treated me. it's the memories of being in love. i love our time we had. although it has expired, those memories, i will never forget. we are no longer in contact and it is best this way. we were just a story that had to be lived for the short time that it was alive. something special for that time of our life. that is all that it was. and my memories are all that i have.
i was reading my past writings about him from years ago tonight and it just made all these memories.. resurface. this was a love that was so great. so pure. it was in fact, perfect. our story was so intense. the nervousness, the love, the fights, the hurt...
in the beginning was friendship. of course there were the thoughts of "wow he's so handsome" and you know, the heart eyes everytime his back was turned to me. i remember realizing i had feelings for him that werent just friendly. he set my heart on fire. it burned with such pure love. we spent so much time together as friends and then one night.. he kissed me. then everything changed. so many emotions, the nervousness, and excitement filling my body after that kiss. wow i miss that feeling of being so nervous and excited at the same time about someone new. we so quickly fell in love with each other it was like magic. we were just so happy. even with all the chaos going on around us. although we didnt make it, the time we did have was special. handwritten love letters and emailed love notes, late night phone calls, secret meet ups, any chance we had to communicate or see each other, we did it. i had never felt more wanted, loved, and cared for by anyone else, ever. no one could keep us apart no matter how hard someone tried. i wish i could write down all of the things i remember and felt and am feeling but its just so much and everything else belongs to just me. i love speaking about love and sharing my feelings and past. so this is why this is here. for whoever to read. the time we spent together was amongst the greatest days of my life. and i hope everyone gets to feel a love like that at least once during their lifetime.
(i didnt go into detail because.. well.. it's our story to keep.)
my life is very far from interesting. it used to be filled with fun, friends, love, and adventures. it seems that ever since i moved to washington in 2017, it all just changed. and i've come to realize that.. i dont think i like this kind of change very much. most days i find myself thinking about how my life used to be before i moved out of california (im back now but it doesnt feel like it whatsoever). i had a great job, i had great friends, i loved my apartment and the location. i loved just living in orange county. living in southern california. now that i think about it, i wish i had never left. but in june 2017, i so badly.. wanted to leave. and so i did. and i moved to olympia, washington for 7 months. now i am back in california but in a town so deserted, so horrible, so far away from anything, that it feels like i am still living so far away from california. im sad here. im alone here. i feel as if i am just wasting my life away living here. working three part time jobs and all of them combined still dont make it out to be full time all together. its rough. my life just feels so awful right now. and its going to be this way until sometime in the spring or summer of 2019 that i can finally move out again. im trying to be patient. im trying to focus on work. but it gets so difficult when im not making enough money to support myself and save to move out. when i think about my financial situation, it brings me so much sadness and stress i just kind of stop. i freeze. im still. its hard. staying positive and patient is all i can do and continue to do my best and work hard. but it all just doesnt feel like enough. things are so so hard and im fighting to keep me sane. im fighting to be happy and content in my situation.
i miss the old days. i miss my friends. the amazing places. the financial comfort. i miss my life.
i have two places. two places i hold dear to my heart. two places i pour out my thoughts and feelings and experiences. one of these places is right here. right at this very page on this website you have clicked on. the other place is another link. a link i will not share. and only because there is no point in sharing. there is no point to tell whatever soul that reads my writings because it is password protected and no one will ever get into it. so i guess, if i wanted to, i could share the link. but no one would be able to see a single thing besides a bar in the middle of the screen that reads "Enter password". that place, is my most special. my most deep.
there are some things i am able to share publicly, not knowing if anyone even reads, but i choose to make some of my writings public (here) just because. sometimes you dont need a reason to do something. you dont need to explain your reason, if you have one. this, here, is where i write and am not afraid to show the world. my other place, is just far more personal and only belongs to me. i love having these two places. i feel safe.
ahh, finally. the month i've been waiting for all year. i'm trying to be as patient as possible with the weather here where i live. waiting for the chilliness of autumn to roll in. waiting.. waiting... waiting. it'll come soon, i hope.
today is October 1st. i woke up so so happy. threw on my black levi's, a jack skellington shirt, black converse, and the cutest pumpkin socks from target. although it doesnt feel like october outside, i'm definitely making it feel like it inside my home. well, my room. i paused The Sixth Sense to write. i really miss it. so here i am. sitting here, on my bed, typing away on my laptop. i lit a cauldron candle i got from target called "witches brew" and it smells like spiced pumpkins. also got my twinkle lights up and it just feels so cozy in here.
i dont have many spooky festivities planned this year like i usually do. which really bums me out since this is the most wonderful time of the year ;)
but, you know, it'll be okay. next year will be so much better. i cant do much this year since all my money has to go to saving. i'm trying to move out of this awful town. and california again, which makes me a bit sad but i think its for the best. at least for this chapter in my life.
last year i spent these days in washington state where i was living. walking up and down the streets of my neighborhood with my dog, willow. the leaves yellow, orange, and red. it was so dang pretty. i dont think i ever seen a reall "fall". in california, or southern california at least.. the leaves dont really change. i mean they do but they go from green to brown and you dont even notice that they were even yellow or any other color but green. cant wait to spend next october in a place with all the trees are colorful. i hope who ever reads this, if anyone reads this, will have a spooky and cozy and fun october.
In 2015 i started thinking about where i wanted to be in life. where i wanted to get to. i had baby fever. i had.. house fever. i was single though so no way was i going to have a baby or own a house. i did, however, have a thought on what age i wanted to have kids by, what age i wanted to get married by, and all the other things like moving out of state and owning my own place rather than just renting. I planned to have at least one child by the age of 27... i was 20 when i had those thoughts. i didnt know i would have more heartbreaking experiences to go through, more life changing experiences, i didnt think about anything else other than -i want a baby at the age of 27-. to me, my ideal situation would be that i would be in a long term relationship. a couple of years at least. isnt that what people dream of? being with someone who loves them? anyway, i thought my life would be so different than what it is right now. it's been three years since i had those thoughts –those dreams–. I am 23 now. i am not in a relationship and i am no where near where i thought i'd be at this age. the thought of getting to where i want to be -with that sort of stuff- really makes me anxious. Im in a ton of debt, i live in the worst city in california, i have no friends around me and i never get to see any of the ones that i do have because they live 2+ hours away and i literally work every single day. being in a solid long term relationship and starting a family by the age of 27 seems so unrealistic to me now. thats just 4 years away. will i be there? will it happen sooner? will it never happen? its 12:13am and i just suddenly had this thought. and so now i am back here, on my public journal, writing. ...well, typing if you want to be technical. i wonder if other people have these kinds of thoughts as well? i mean, im sure people do but i sure as hell feel so alone and like im the only one on this planet sometimes. i've had a lot going on the past year. it's been an insane ride. i dont know where i will be in four years. but i do know next year i am moving back up north. I'm going to be living in Oregon this time. and im starting to believe the reason why i am here, where i am living now and why all the things that happened to me happened.. was all meant to happen. it was supposed to be this way. it IS supposed to be this way. i dont know why, but i just feel it. so i hope this all works out. i hope so many opportunities open up for me. i hope good things come my way. i hope i'll get to where i want to be.
this is all the words my brain has scrambled together and i am very sleepy. i miss writing so much.
It's been a whole year. over a year, in fact. and oh damn, what a year it was. obviously so much has happened. before writing this i wanted to finish writing about my trip to the u.k., amsterdam, and the anne frank haus. but, i havent. instead, im going to write this. i've missed writing so much. i've missed my blog, my online journal, my whatever you want to call it. i feel like i want to say literally everything that has happened since i last wrote but at the same time, i just dont even want to. so i wont. but i will say, i think i might have grown immensely. my last post was about my appearance and how i couldnt see myself as beautiful. that has completely changed. beginning july 2017 till now ive worn less makeup than i ever have since when i started to wear it. i feel beautiful in my skin now, i truly do. i feel good when i go out in public with a bare face. but i also realized i dont have to not wear makeup in order to feel beautiful. i can still feel naturally beautiful even while wearing makeup. so thats been a huge milestone, i guess you can say.
i've moved. i moved out of state. far away from all my family. all my friends. it was great and not so great. i found Jesus, rescued a dog, and bought a car. i think thats about it as far as all the good stuff. nothing else significant really has happened since moving here. in the good way, anyhow.
also living here has made me very depressed. ive become a hermit. my anxiety is at its worst. and everything seems to be falling apart.
im moving back home. yes home. home to california.
i cant live on my own. i cant afford my bills. im going back home to focus on that. theres many reasons why im going back home. i really do miss california. so much. but i feel like i dont know where i belong. i dont want to be here, i dont want to be there. i just want to disappear. i dont know.
anyway, i hope ill get back into writing. i've been very unmotivated the last year. things just dont feel right. again. i feel very lost.
Sitting here, with my dogs in my lap, all snuggled up because we're cold, im thinking. i'm thinking about my appearance. how i wish i didnt have to wear makeup to feel beautiful. this is something i've always struggled with. i dont want to wear makeup. or at least the amount that i do anyhow.. i want to see beauty in my bare face. i dont want to feel insecure walking out of the house or when my mother or brother look at me. i want to feel beautiful. i honestly really hate having to wear makeup. i see photos of a lot of women who are so beautiful and dont even wear the slightest bit of foundation or eyeshadow. i want to be like them. i want to feel comfortable. my friends and family and even random people tell me how pretty i am, of course, when i have a full face of makeup on. but sometimes even then, i just simply cannot see it. i dont understand. sometimes i feel so horrible, most times actually. its a struggle for me to see beauty. even with makeup. maybe i'm just distorting everything people see? maybe i am beautiful? but when i look in the mirror, i cannot see what everyone else is seeing. im not being hard on myself, im not lying to myself, i really, physically cant see the beauty. i wonder if i will ever stop wearing makeup. i wonder if ill ever feel comfortable and confident in my own skin without having to hide all of my imperfections.
It is 1:06am on wednesday, october 5th, 2016. I've turned out my lights around 12am and have not fallen into sleep yet. My mind is too busy thinking about everything i want to do in my life. my goals, my dreams. my pup is laying at the corner of my bed, snoring away softly. i like silence, most nights, but her breathing is keeping me at ease tonight.
I lay here thinking about where my life will take me. when will it take me. how will it take me. i have so many ideas and passions and i just dont know what it is i want to do. i mean, i do know. but theres so much more now that i want to accomplish and become successful in but maybe this is just a dream? maybe its not going to happen? maybe i need to start having some faith in myself and make it happen. after all, i am probably one of the most ambitious people i know.
i want to open up an apothecary shop filled with teas and herbal medicine and everything that comes with homeopathy and naturopathy. i want it to be as popular as a 7-eleven. i want people to know that there are healthier alternatives to becoming healthy.
i want to build a small community of tiny houses and rent them out like apartments.
i want to build a real life hogwarts but into a hotel. I wonder if J.K. Rowling would even approve? I dont know. but oh man that would be a dream come true. i want to replicate hogwarts exterior and interior and make it a hotel for all muggles to enjoy.
i want to own a halloween themed theme park. Spooky rides, creepy mazes, frightening attractions. how amazing would that be? to have an amusement park dedicated to halloween.
i think to myself, maybe this will never happen, maybe im dreaming too big. maybe my dreams arent realistic. but how can they be realistic if i think so negatively? i want to push to make these happen. im scared. im excited. im nervous. im doubtful. im hopeful. it's not impossible to accomplish my dreams. it's not impossible to be successful in everything i want to do. i just need to work at it and give my god damn hardest and never give up. i have so many dreams. i want to make these dreams become a reality.
